confusion.... ameno

ameno,

amenomasai,

do you all understand what i am writing ?
if you all do then tell me what?
if you all do not understand, then this is what running through my head.
is it a word that anyone know or i don't know what is it?

i have been very blur this week and also very depressing.. really don't know what to do now?
what to decide and what to answer..
All i can do is sit and do nothing..
my every decision is decided based on nothing..
no rational explanation to it and no logical argument
it's not like me..
i feel like going somewhere that no one will find me and sit there alone think of what i should do for my future.
i want to be what i want to be, but i still want to prove to other people i am not as bad as they think i am..
i will prove it to them, but it's to late to undone the damages that i had created in the past..
it still worries me whether i can catch up with all my past reference and undo the damages.
i like to put it this way, better late than never
however, for being late, i have to pay the consequences.
if i start new then what is waiting ahead for me?
and if i continue with my decision will i disappoint my parents?
as they have a high hope for me and hope that one day i will help my bother after i have completed my studies..
what should i do now?
help me.. i am very blur.. blur and pain..

Very bad !!!